There are two things we never leave the house without: money and our shoes. Shoes are an essential part of our everyday style and we need money to buy them. Unfortunately there are some shoes out there that our feet should never meet. I do not care if they were made for comfort. I do not feel comfortable walking around in some ugly ass shoe while I am being laughed at.
Anyway, back to the point, shoes are wonderful; however, these following shoes need to be walked out of 2014 and they need to stay out of 2015.
- Sneaker Boots: I need to Converse with you. Just don’t. Wear on a boot or a sneaker; not both.
- Crocs: One word – devastating. These clog my arteries whenever I see them. They are the lazy shoe of 2014. If I wanted shoes with holes in them, I would have my dog bite them. Plus they are plastic. F that. Burn them, or recycle them into something useful for other holes.
- Gladiator Sandals: Bitch we are not auditioning for a role on Spartacus. I will cuss you out if I see you in them. Two reasons why they need to be banned in 2015: they take too long to put on and they leave weird tan lines.
- Furkenstocks: These are furken ugly! One word – HOBBIT! Why do you want a bushy sandal? Now we have to wonder if the carpet matches the drapes, and the sandal. It also looks like you killed a cat and stuck your foot in it.
- Clown Platforms: Unless you are a short clown then do not put these shoes on. They look ridiculous, and they are funny to look at, but that is it. Do not be a laughing matter in 2015.
- The Orthopedic Shoe: Hello granny. These shoes are not fashionable at all. Your grandmother cannot even make them look cute in the nursing home. This is one case where comfort does not outshine beauty.
- Tevas: If I want to get dirt all over my feet then I would have gone barefoot. One word – hippie. Sandals my ass.
If you own any of the shoes mentioned above…do not talk to me. You need to get rid of them soon. Do not even donate them. That is a harsh move. Why? How would you feel if got an ugly pair of shoes for free? Yeah, I thought so.
Like I said, we always take two things with us when we leave home: money and shoes. In 2015, we need to add a third item to that list: fashion sense. If you do not have any fashion sense then you are allowed the next best thing, a gay best friend.